Trigger Points: Childhood Abuse Survivors Experiences of Parenting
A Lifeline for Parenting Survivors
Trigger Points Anthology has now been re-released with additional essays and resources under the new title Parenting with PTSD! From now until midnight October 14 you can download a free copy on Amazon. Follow the links below:
Canada: http://amzn.to/2xBi8F4
The Trigger Points Anthology is being re-released October 5, 2017 under the new title Parenting with PTSD. This second edition of the book will have additional essays and an expanded resource section.
Please visit us at our new home: www.parentingwithptsd.com
We have some big news to share! In the past year we have gotten a greater understanding of who we want to reach with this book, and with that in mind we will be re-releasing the book with some additional content, more resources, and a new title. As of June 2017, Trigger Points will become Parenting With PTSD. We hope that the new title, combined with an awareness raising campaign, will help us connect with more survivor parents who need us.
We will be filming a book trailer, re-vamping the website, and creating new social media accounts over the next few weeks. Please follow us on Twitter and Instagram and sign up on our newsletter through the form below to keep up to date! We will have a free book day when the book is released, and if you want to make sure you don’t miss out, the newsletter is the best option for that.
Last year I turned 41. I am now officially middle aged. Apparently this is the point in time when my generation’s parents start dropping like flies. In the past two years, I have lost count of how many of my friends, neighbors and acquaintances have lost a parent. Each time, I have watched the ritual unfold. Condolences are offered, funerals are planned. The sordid mess of sorting through a lifetime of possessions and settling wills is dealt with. And everywhere the bereaved adult child goes, they hear the words “I am sorry for your loss.”
Whether their relationship was loving, strained, or a mixture of both. Whether the parent was nurturing or neglectful. Still the words “I am sorry for your loss” are offered up. A benediction for mourning. A recognition that the passing of a parent marks a particular shift in one’s life journey.
I have watched as space is made for the adult child to grieve. How it is understood that it will take a while to return to “regular life” after such a loss. I have watched as the bereaved talk openly about their grief, which comes in waves, over the course of years. And I have been jealous. Because this kind of understanding will never be given to me. And it’s my fault, isn’t it? Because it was my choice.
The decision to permanently cut off contact with my parents was almost anti-climactic. After years of trying off and on to figure out how to have a relationship with them without sacrificing myself, I realized that I was trying for the impossible. I was embroiled in yet another abusive drama, in which I was somehow to blame for a parent’s alcoholic misbehavior. This familiar ebb and flow of dysfunction had played out so many times in so many ways that I realized I wasn’t angry any more, I was just sad. I looked into my future and saw it play out for the rest of my life and I knew I just couldn’t do it anymore. My husband and I were planning to have a child. Was this what I wanted my child to grow up watching? Were these people going to have a positive impact on my child? No.
In the 10 years since I made that decision, I have never once regretted it. I am a happier person without them in my life. It’s sad, but true. However, there is no rite of passage for the child who has had to make a choice between her mental health and a relationship with her parents. There is no supportive community gathering around offering up condolences and casseroles. There is just a long, lonely adjustment to the reality that you are, in a way, an orphan now.
When my parents pass away, I will get a call, or an email, from some relative. I will be asked if I will attend the funeral, but I will not, because I have already done my grieving. I have grieved the parts of that relationship that were good. I have grieved for what could have been. I have grieved for all the ways I needed them to show up for me that they were not capable of. And I am done. And I am angry that I did it alone, with no one to turn to me and say “I am sorry for your loss.”
I am angry that in addition to losing my family, I lost out on the rite of passage, on the support of community, on the acknowledgement of this very significant transition in my life. There is no ritual to support a child who has lost her family in this way, and there should be. It takes incredible bravery to do this in the face of cultural backlash, to give up the comfort of the known pain for the unknown. To believe in spite of all previous evidence that I deserve better, and to walk away from people who will never love me the way I want them to.
I will never regret the decision I made, but I wish that it wasn’t such a lonely choice.
The writer of this article has chosen to remain anonymous.
To celebrate the one year anniversary of the Trigger Points Anthology, we are giving away the Kindle version of the book on Amazon for FREE November 18-20!
The Trigger Points Anthology sheds light on a topic most parenting books never address: what is it like to raise children when you were abused as a child? With contributions by 21 writers, this anthology and workbook covers the common triggers that arise as parents navigate everything from pregnancy to the teenage years, and helps to let survivors know that they are not alone. As Brene Brown says, the two most powerful words when we are in struggle are “Me too”. This book is a me-too for all the parents working to break the cycle of abuse.
Buy now on Amazon US at: http://amzn.to/2fRMwGC
Buy now on Amazon CA at: http://amzn.to/2eTCNLy
Trigger Points: Childhood Abuse Survivors Experiences of Parenting 